- November 2021 – Kindfulness
- October 2021 – Mindfulness Matters
- September 2021 – with a heavy, but reflective heart…
- August 2021 – Dare to find your joy in challenging times
- July 2021 – Building a better relationship with You
- June 2021 – Happy Pride
- May 2021 – May is mental Health Month
- March 2021 – Making a choice to break the cycle of hate
- February 2021 – Self Care
- January 2021 – Shifting Your Perspective
- December 2020 – Overcoming Negative Voices
- November 2020 – How to stand up for yourself
- October 2020 – The New Meaning of Empathy in 2020
- September 2020 – Reflecting on Heartbreak
November 2021 – Kindfulness
You might have noticed that we talk a lot about kindness in November. November 13th officially marks World Kindness Day – the purpose of which is to “help everyone understand that compassion is what binds us together.” I recently saw an advertisement for a new daytime talk show which focused on the idea of teaching kindness, which the host saw as lacking in our society. I even got an email from a local temple inviting me to visit and celebrate an afternoon of “kindfulness,” which I loved because it combines the concepts of kindness and mindfulness in the most adorable way. However, with all of these reminders and alerts that we need to be kind, the substance of what we are actually talking about seems to be getting lost.Read More
First of all the message that comes across is that someone else needs to be more kind. It is framed as a vague societal issue that bad people somewhere are running around being mean. It is easy to see ourselves as the “good guys.” We want to believe that we say our polite words, have the right politics, say the right buzzwords, make an effort to eat a vegan meal once a week, what have you. When we think of kindness, it is always something that we possess and the need to increase kindness belongs to the other, who thinks differently or who acts differently than us.
It is important to take a long and honest look in the mirror, recognizing our own character traits and defects, and continuing to challenge ourselves. While we all like to think we are good people, we still inadvertently hurt others. Whether in the form of thoughtlessness, microaggressions or ignorance we all have the capacity to be so focused on our own feelings and needs that we disregard others.
It is helpful to reframe the idea of kindness so that we are not merely being “nice” to others – this implies a shallow and superficial level of thought to our interactions with others – but are actually compassionate and informed. If you recognize that there is an issue in a loved one’s life that you don’t know much about, educate yourself so that you can better understand what they are going through. If a family member is struggling with a crisis and is pushing you away, try to get informed about what they are coping with so that you can better understand what that means in their life.
It is also helpful to think about not only what kindness is, but what it isn’t. We all have flaws and shortcomings that negatively impact others. If you tend to see yourself as the victim in your interactions with others, you may need to start seeing ways in which you have agency in your life. If you tend to prioritize your own point of view and make little effort to understand others, you might want to try really listening to what other people are trying to tell you.
Being kind is not merely being polite, it is being present, thoughtful and engaged. Being kind is not something that only mean people or bullies need to consider – it is something that you and I can both incorporate more of. We can mean well and have good intentions, and still be unkind. The sad truth is sometimes we are most unkind to the people we love the most, and even to ourselves. This month, let’s embrace the concept of kindfulness – being present in the here and now with ourselves and others, and living compassionately in all of our relationships. It’s a tall task, but worth the effort!
October 2021 – Mindfulness Matters
Wow, October is a month that feels jam-packed with events, celebrations and days of awareness. From National Coming Out Day (October 11th), to World Mental Health Day (Oct. 10th) we are inundated with messages about how to live our best, happiest lives. Often this creates an abundance of inspiring stories that we can share and rely on to inspire us to be more authentic and achieve greater happiness. There is a downside to this month too, however. Shorter daylight hours, colder weather and increased time being pushed indoors can equal more depressed moods and bleeker outlooks. Increased holiday celebrations can often signal a growing discontent and awareness that we are feeling worse.Read More
Not to be a downer, but I am definitely seeing an increase in depression and correlating feelings of isolation, loneliness and hopelessness in my therapeutic practice. Symptoms that at other times of year might get labeled as depression and anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is widely misunderstood. As we enter into a period of decreased light and the golden evenings of summer fade into memory it is natural for our moods to shift to gloominess.
However, rather than being the sole source of increased mental illness, this phenomenon creates an opening for underlying internal conflicts and unresolved trauma and pain to rear their ugly, but familiar heads. For many people, as this transition happens it can take them off-guard and feel incredibly disorienting. Since I have the vantage point of seeing this play out I take the perspective that this can be an anticipated shift in mood, and we can take precautions to help ourselves and others around us.
First of all, it is always important to remember to take care of your own mental health. When it feels like the plane is going down, you have to remember to put the oxygen mask over your own face before you put it on the person sitting next to you. This metaphor applies well to our real-life mental health care as we need to be in a good place with ourselves before we can provide for others’ needs. In the context of our closest relationships that holds true as well, if you are neglecting yourself, your own feelings and needs, let’s stop doing that today. Take some time to think about what is in your heart and how you are really doing.
How can you create space, time, opportunity for yourself to check in with you and begin to heal? It is really important to listen to your own intuition and trust it. Nurture your ability to listen to your own inner voice because it will never steer you wrong. This is not a one-time thing, but rather a practice that you can get into the habit of cultivating. Take some time to write in a journal, do a workout, meditate, talk to a loved one or a therapist, get in touch with your feelings in a way that feels like an outlet that works for you. It’s easy to forget to take care of yourself, especially in the context of a demanding world and draining relationships, but that is why it is so vitally important. Self-care is not something you do when you’re not busy, it’s something you prioritize especially when you’re busy.
It’s also really important to keep checking in with the people around you. Keep inviting open, honest conversation and recognize that even if what someone is saying is hard to hear, it’s always a positive when people feel that they can share their feelings and experience with you. Keep in mind that we have to work through and process our feelings in order to get to a place of transformation, but that is a very real concept. Hold compassion and empathy in your heart for the struggles of others as we go through this difficult time of year. And please remember that we all go through it together.
September 2021 – with a heavy but reflective heart…
Today marks the eleventh year anniversary of Tyler’s death by suicide. In many ways the time feels like a blur bookended with some of the most challenging moments of my life. I know that due to the harassment and public humiliation that he received, cruelty designed to attack his sexuality and trigger all of the shame and insecurities that he had acquired over his lifetime, Tyler fell into a hopeless and self-destructive mindset. I struggle every day with knowing that I can’t go back in time and talk to him, reach out in his hour of despair and convince him to keep fighting,Read More
There is nothing that can undo the past, and learning to accept things that cannot be changed has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. The focus of the Tyler Clementi Foundation to prevent bullying and create a kinder society for members of marginalized groups is so important because every action we take helps to build a more hopeful world for people who can’t see that right now. Please consider taking the Upstander Pledge today and making a difference the next time you see something that doesn’t feel right.
Over the last few years I have begun to cultivate a habit of gratitude, listing out and reminding myself of all the people, events and aspects of my experience I feel grateful for. As I reflect today I am reminded of all of the loved ones, family and friends who surrounded me and my family with love and support. The simplest acts of kindness, bringing food and making time for a conversation, made a tremendous difference in getting me through some times when I felt lost, and I am grateful for all of the people who supported me and my family through our grief.
In this time when loved ones are passing away at a disturbing rate due to the effects of the Covid pandemic, many of us have people around us who have lost someone. Now being on the other side of loss, and having friends who are coping with loss, I understand how uncomfortable and awkward it can feel to reach out. It’s hard to know the right words to say. But the truth is there are no right words, there are no words that can bring someone back. Don’t let your worries and anxieties get in the way of reaching out.
If you know someone who is coping with loss, the best thing you can do is reach out. A message or even a bit of your time and attention can make a huge difference in getting that person through. Even if it doesn’t seem to make a difference in the moment, your support will stick with people and resonate years later. Despite all of the tragedies around us, we can choose to uplift each other and end the cruelties that seem all-too easy. As I remember my brother Tyler today, it brings me some peace to know that his legacy is built on progress and empathy. Thank you for your support for the work that we do.
August 2021 – Dare to Find Your Joy in Challenging Times
I hope that as August draws to a close and summer 2021 reaches its end, you’re taking care of yourself and your mental health. This was certainly a summer like no other in history. Whether you were still quarantining or starting to adjust back to interactive life this was a strange and difficult time. There is a growing anxiety in the air as we head back to school and workplaces around the country and things are still very uncertain. In addition to wearing masks and washing your hands, it’s more important than ever to make sure you’re checking in with yourself. Think of it as sanitizer for your mental health.Read More
One of the biggest challenges we are facing right now is a world that seems to be imploding before our eyes in real-time. I have never felt so overwhelmed turning on the news. Between the pandemic crisis seeming to trend in a negative direction, environmental disasters, hurricanes and earthquakes, and human rights crises, the world all feels a bit devastating right now. It’s hard to stay informed and stay present in a landscape that feels like it’s crumbling apart. When things feel overwhelming or look bleak, remember to come back to the here and the now. Focus on your breathing. Focus on the sensation of your feet on the ground. Pay attention to the things you can see, hear, feel and smell around you.
It is easy to fall into a bleak and hopeless mental space. It is also common to feel guilty for finding joy in a world with so much suffering and sickness. However, we cannot wait for conditions in the world to be perfect before cultivating joy. It has to be an active choice that we make not because things are joyful but in spite of the fact that they are not. It is only through the bitterness and hurt of life that we can also taste the sweetness. Let’s focus on the things that we are grateful for. I like to make a gratitude list every morning as I start my day, to draw my mental energy to the things that I appreciate and am thankful for in my life. It is easy to focus on the things that are wrong but we can rewire our minds to focus on the positive. This attitude is also contagious, which means that the people around you will benefit and learn from your example.
Many of you are looking ahead to going back to school or work in a few short weeks, and that might feel like a bit of a mixed bag, especially if you’re as tired of staring at a screen as I am. It’s a difficult challenge though if that environment is not a safe and inclusive space. If you are experiencing bullying and harassment, I know from personal experience that it is a scary, exhausting and depressing place to be in. That’s why it is more important than ever to tell your story! Tell someone you trust, tell an authority figure you can help, reach out in the real world or in a safe online space to let someone know what you’re going through. Let yourself be supported. You do not have to be alone through this moment, and you are not alone. Please reach out and know that you are empowered to shape your life the way you want it to be.
Being kind to yourself is not always easy, especially when so many voices are yelling at you not to do that. It’s also really unclear advice because it’s not like anyone ever sits you down and explains what that means. I like to think of it as trying to have some distance with yourself and seeing how that changes things. Try to imagine someone else in your situation, and think of the kindness you would give them in your thoughts and words and actions. Now offer that to yourself, because you deserve it! We all have a lot of things to unlearn as well as learn in the new school year.
July 2021 – Building a better relationship with You!
As more segments of society open up and we begin to resume in-person learning and work, some noticeable trends have popped up in therapy. First of all, social anxiety is at an all-time high right now. People who have always struggled with social anxiety are having an exceptionally difficult time right now. Even people who have never experienced social anxiety are finding themselves coping with intense feelings of worry and awkwardness that they may not have ever encountered. As we move back into in-person gatherings in contexts that are professional, educational and also inherently social, it is important to be patient with yourself. It’s helpful to remember that over the last year and a half, these environments and the constant presence of others was totally absent from our lives, so getting back into these spaces will be an adjustment.Read More
Alongside the feelings of anxiety, another change that I have seen is the re-prioritizing of relationships in people’s lives. For some people this means reaching out and rebuilding the relationships that fell to the background or were difficult to maintain during the heights of the pandemic. For others this means taking some time to think about what they want and need from life, and looking for new relationships to bring meaning. Covid in many ways was a time of relationship coming to an end. From marriages and dating relationships to friendships that no longer worked, people took the time to reevaluate where they wanted to invest their energy. This period of coming back together after higher rates of vaccination also marks a new beginning and an opportunity for new relationships.
As we think about changing the environment around us and building new connections, it is also important to put some thought into how we can make changes in our internal world and work on improving our relationships with ourselves. Often when we talk about bullying we focus on the actions and words that occur between two people, but in fact we can often bully and put down ourselves. We can be our own harshest critics at times and continuously reinforce self-directed negativity. One of the biggest challenges ahead of us is to be kind and loving, supportive and empathic, understanding and accepting of ourselves. This is not an easy journey, but it is one that makes all the difference in our quality of life.
One of the biggest obstacles that we face to achieving this sort of love and support in our relationships with ourselves is the negative emotions that we have learned to internalize. These can manifest in the form of insecurities and low self esteem. When you feel inadequate or unworthy it becomes a real challenge to respond to yourself in a loving way. So rather than brushing past the negative emotions it’s important to try to understand them.
One of the best ways you can heal from insecurities and low self-esteem is to find qualities you do like about yourself. In being able to sit confidently with these qualities, it begins to change your perception of yourself and the so-called “flaws” that you focus on. Say, for example, that you really love your sense of humor. Recognizing that is a quality that you love, regardless of what others think, is the first step towards changing perspectives. Some people may also love your sense of humor, and others might not get it. The important thing is not what others think about you, but the fact that you have a quality about yourself that you love and appreciate. When we take our focus away from others’ judgements and pivot to our own feelings, we begin to see our inherent value and worth much more easily.
This week, take some time to discover what you love about yourself, and how you can use those qualities to build a stronger foundation for your relationship with you.
June 2021 – Happy Pride
In this month of June, we celebrate Pride, and after the year we have collectively gone through, there is a lot to celebrate and be thankful for. After a year of sickness, fear, uncertainty, and isolation, it’s a gift to begin this new chapter of togetherness, well, together. Covid is not over and I don’t mean to suggest that it is, but with the increasing number of vaccinated people and the increasing openness of our society, it has become safer to venture out into the world and reconnect with each other. While many pride parades (including the infamous march in New York City that leads to the Stonewall Inn – the birthplace of the LGBT rights movement) are still cancelled, the queer community is always resourceful in the face of obstacles. This past weekend I was able to attend a Pride picnic at a park in New Jersey. It was amazing to celebrate being out and proud with over a thousand other people from our community. Especially after the total cancellation of Pride events in 2020 due to the pandemic, even if things aren’t quite back to normal yet.Read More
Whether you are LGBT or a supportive ally, I hope that you are able to take care of yourself and celebrate your uniqueness this year surrounded by loved ones. It’s also my hope that we can all take a moment of gratitude for the achievements that we have made. When I think about the first LGBT-rights activists that fought to make our society a more equal one, the fearless and heroic Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson remind me that so much of the rights and increasingly positive and understanding treatment I receive from the society around me is because of the work of trans women of color generations before. The seeds that Marsha, Sylvia, and others planted have taken longer than their own lifetimes to grow and even now there is work to be done. Those of us who identify as gay, lesbian and bisexual experience increasing rights and “respectability” than ever before, but our trans, nonbinary, and gender fluid siblings are under attack.
The most regressive and harmful laws targeting trans youth and their ability to transition and access proper medical care are being put into place in numerous states. While the courts take their time to deliberate, real-life people are being denied hormones and procedures that can affirm their gender. Hormones that would block or delay the permanent impact of puberty are denied to young people, leaving life-long consequences. We are not safe until all in our community are safe. Those of us who enjoy our rights to marriage, adoption and affirmation of our love and relationships have a responsibility to use our voices and platforms to stand for those who are still under attack.
This Saturday marks Juneteenth – a holiday celebrating the emancipation of those who had been enslaved in the United States and the promise of full equality for African Americans and an end to racism. While we have a long way to go in achieving these goals, it strikes me as metaphysically significant that Pride and Juneteeth overlap in this month. Queer people exist in every racial group and we have to stand up for each other. Do a quick Google search and find out what events are going on in your area for Juneteenth, and get involved! We have to march for each others’ rights, celebrate each others’ wins, and work together to achieve a more just society for all marginalized groups. We need to remember this Pride month and all year long that Black Lives Matter.
There is so much work to do, and a lot of very real threats ahead to our community. But while we are vulnerable, we are also strong and resilient. Our lives have value, importance, beauty and worth. It might sound cheesy but I truly believe we have to be kind and loving to each other. We have to lift each other – and ourselves – up because we never know what anyone else is dealing with, but we are usually right if we guess that we are all struggling with something difficult. This Pride let’s focus on being the best versions of ourselves and knowing that that is enough.
Sending you lots of love and wishing you a very Happy Pride!
May 2021 – May is Mental Health Month
In case you haven’t heard, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I and my colleagues in the mental health field are extremely glad that we get to have conversations about what mental health and mental illness mean. It is incredibly important because your mental health is just as vital to your well-being and quality of life as your physical health. The mind-body connection is extremely important and ideally, we want to be focusing on both aspects of our well-being.Read More
If you reacted to the above statement with an eye-roll or a scoff, that just highlights how stigmatized and shamed mental health discussion can be. However, one only needs to consider the potentially lethal implications of an eating disorder, a depression untreated that leads to suicidal ideation, or a battle with alcoholism or substance abuse to understand that mental health can in the worst of cases lead to injury and death. We often like to think that diseases of the body are deserving of doctor’s appointments, medicine, and changes in our habits and routines, while mental illness is a made-up thing that exists only in our minds. This type of thinking contributes to the stigmatization of mental health and leads many to suffer in silence, afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Sometimes speaking out loud about the feelings that we carry inside makes it real and tangible in a way that can be very scary. If you are feeling alone today, I would encourage you to take the first step towards healing.
Meeting weekly with a talk therapist is a great way to begin to explore your feelings and underlying mental health. This is not at all different from taking care of your physical health head-on, and a weekly appointment with a therapist is something you can begin this month and continue throughout the year ahead. Changing your habits to include time for meditation and mindfulness exercises as well as becoming increasingly aware of what you’re feeling and where those feelings are coming from is a helpful beginning point. This is similar to adding physical activity and reducing malnutrition food from your diet in regard to taking care of your physical health. Why do we make a distinction between the two?
Even if we think we don’t carry shame and stigma around with us and we are already taking active steps to improve and prioritizing our mental health, we often don’t realize that we can carry our negative associations on a deeper level. That might come out in terms of how you treat other people, or the level of patience and understanding you show to yourself. For example, if you tend to be forgiving of others but hold yourself to a much higher standard where you feel like you constantly fall short, take some time to examine that double standard and think about what it says that you have such a low tolerance for yourself.
The benefits of therapy are numerous and often surprising to people as you may grow in ways that you did not expect or were not planning. Think of the therapy space as a contained environment where you grow an increasingly deep and connected relationship with a skilled, trained professional who can support you in achieving your goals. The relationship that plays out with the therapist is in some ways a microcosm of relationships that play out in your life outside of the therapy space. The growth and healing that takes place within the therapeutic space will eventually start to take hold in your relationships outside of the space as well. For example, if you find it really difficult to be vulnerable with others, this is something that you will practice with your therapist and you will find yourself being more vulnerable with other people in your life too! It’s a powerful process.
This year during a global pandemic and unrest throughout the world, we need to be even more diligent about taking care of ourselves. I encourage you to pay attention to how you are feeling, and think about what you can do to help yourself heal.
March 2021 – Making a choice to break the cycle of hate
Over this last week I watched the news in horror as I learned along with the rest of the world of violent massacres in two different regions of the United States. While we do not know much about the most recent event in Colorado much has been reported about the massacre in the Atlanta suburbs that left eight people – including six Asian women – dead. This violent terrorist act took place at a time when we are seeing increased radicalization of white men in America to commit acts of violence against people of color. This is combined with an increase in anti-Asian sentiment, resulting in increased hate crimes and threats against the Asian community. This is a perfect storm for a culture of cruelty, unpredictability and terror that is disproportionately impacting communities of color. The stigma and lack of awareness of mental health plus the culture and lack of regulation around gun control have fed into and led us to the point that we are in today.Read More
I am deeply worried and outraged about the culture of violence and terror that white people are feeling more and more entitled to inflict on others. This news story has been haunting me since first learning about the eight lives that were lost in this unfair, inhumane and despicable way. I am heartbroken over the accounts of spouses and children – including an orphaned eight month old baby – who have lost their family members in this tragedy. It is especially hard to fathom because of how preventable, and how cruel this act was.
As a society we have to come together to stand up for the rights of women and people of Asian descent to live without fear. We have to make a strong statement, through culture change and legislation, that this type of violence is fundamentally unacceptable and at odds with the values of our society.
While I was shocked as I watched this story unfold on the news, the picture I want to paint for you is one in which all of these events are not random, but connected. Since the start of the pandemic last March we have lived under a president who has insisted on calling Covid-19 a racist slur that I find no value in repeating here. Words. Matter. Leadership influences the way others think.
A president influences the way a society thinks. Our leadership was actively making things more dangerous for Asian-Americans by causing them to be associated with the pandemic that has caused so much death, sickness, isolation and job loss. This is wildly irresponsible, hateful behavior. What we are seeing now is a combination of this inept leadership and people connecting the dots to taking their anger and pain out on innocent targets. We have to realize that the words we use and the words we allow others to use have severe consequences in people’s lives.
Hate is contagious and it will grow in its severity. We have to make a conscious choice to hold people accountable to their words and behaviors. We have to make a choice to break the cycle of hate, racism and misogyny. We cannot allow this to continue to happen. There were eight victims but the ripples effects of these deaths will be felt by many countless people. Let’s look at what happened last week and learn from it. Let’s demand better from our fellow community members. We can be the change that we want to see in the world. We have to be better than this. Lives depend on it.
February 2021 – Self Care
This winter has been an incredibly challenging time. It’s never fun to deal with blistering cold temperatures, but added to that the constant snow and the ongoing need for quarantine and social distancing due to the pandemic, and this has added up to a challenging time for mental health. The extreme weather means that it is harder to get outside and move around, while the quarantine means that it is difficult to see loved ones and meet with people for indoor gatherings. Essentially, we are socially isolated and physically restricted. This presents a unique challenge to learning how to be at peace and be happy.Read More
As a therapist, I constantly talk about the need for self-care. What this is and what it looks like varies from person to person. Your unique personality, interests, and desires will shape your self-care time and activities, but the most important thing here is that you take a break from your day and do something to recharge your mental and emotional batteries. If your reaction at this point is, “I don’t have time for myself,” then you especially need to make that time. When our lives are filled with responsibilities that demand our time, attention, energy, and effort, we risk running ourselves to a point of burnout and exhaustion. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself before it gets to that point.
People often tell me that they feel guilty or like they are being selfish if they prioritize time for themselves, especially at the expense of being there for other important people in their lives. Please know that taking care of yourself does not take away from your ability to care for others. If you’re on an airplane and the oxygen masks start coming down, you have to put the mask on yourself before you can put the mask on the person sitting next to you. Taking care of yourself first is necessary to preserve your energy in order to take care of others.
In the mental health and social justice-minded space we tend to focus on doing more and more, pushing ourselves to keep going to make as much change as possible. At the same time, we have to recognize that creating sustained, long-lasting and deep levels of change and progress in our society is long-term work. Changing people’s minds and opening people’s hearts up is not an easy thing. In therapy, I am constantly reminding people that doing the hard work to improve yourself and heal your scars at an individual level is a constant and long-term process.
Some days feel like you’ve taken two steps forward only to take a giant step back. Sometimes you might feel like you’re a hamster spinning in place on a wheel. Now think about doing the systemic work of moving society away from ignorance and hate towards acceptance, compassion, and kindness. This is a huge uphill task, and it’s important to set realistic expectations, remember that this work will take time, and be kind to yourself. Think of your self-care as the way you take a time-out, pause, and rest. You need to recharge your personal batteries once in a while!
The pandemic has been a challenging time to figure out what self-care can look like. With many of the options to get out and about no longer available to us, it might seem impossible, however, it’s more important now than ever to get creative. Don’t hesitate to listen to your mood, your energy and your heart to figure out what you need to feel refreshed. If you look within you will find the answers that you’re seeking.
January 2021 – Shifting Your Perspective
Welcome to 2021! I hope your new year is off to a great start, even if many things may look like they haven’t changed much since 2020. As you’re reading this blog today, take a moment to recognize how much you’ve gone through, and how much you have overcome. You made it through one of the most challenging, uncertain, stressful years we have collectively undergone. Last year was filled with loss. Covid took many beloved people away from us along with the ways of life and connection that were most familiar to us. Negativity – emotions ranging from loneliness to grief to fear for survival in the present to anxiety about what tomorrow holds, is heavy and present in the world today. An increasingly disturbing and unsafe political stage adds to the sense of unease for many of us.Read More
I have struggled through this last year personally, and found it hard to refrain from getting drawn into this vortex of negativity. As a therapist I have gone through a challenging journey with clients whom, like myself, could not have anticipated the events that have occurred over the last year. It has been an honor to listen and offer my support to people during this incredibly difficult time. Through the experience, I have gained some insights into how to make it through the challenges of our time and maintain a hopeful and optimistic outlook.
So much of the time I am “in it.” Getting drawn into the latest CNN news alert or falling down a rabbithole of my own worries of how our country and our world are going to get out of this pandemic and back to the normalcy of human physical connection and togetherness that we have lost. Worrying about future scenarios, worrying about things that I can’t control, and getting lost in a downward spiral of negative thinking (“What if this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens, etc.) leads to a constant state of anxiety. Then there is the issue of the screen. The phone, the computer, the TV. During the pandemic we have become even more reliant on our screens to stay safe, and in my experience it has been a blessing to be able to stay safe, but there is also a drawback. We work on our screens, we go to school on our screens, we meet up with friends on our screens, we have baby showers on our screen, we go to yoga classes on the screen. We spend so much time locking our eyes and our minds onto the cyber world that we can feel more isolated and disconnected from the world around us.
I am often so locked into viewing things in a negative light that negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have found that it is vitally important to shift our perspectives. This means first of all becoming aware that we each have a unique perspective – something that is easy to take for granted when focusing in on our emotions, wants and needs in a way that takes us away from the bigger picture. Try taking a step back. Consider that everything you see in front of you (and how you feel about that image) is a result of your point of view of where you are standing. Now expand that awareness to recognize that how you are feeling, what you are worried about, what is super important to you, everything that is in your awareness, is a result of your perspective.
While your perspective is valid and true and understandable, it is just a small glimmer of everything that is. Your friend, partner, family member, classmate, etc. is standing on a different part of the same mountain and they are seeing a narrow view as well. If you climb to a higher point on the mountain you would be able to see a view that holds both of your perspectives. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them necessarily, but you can understand how your friend feels the way they do based on what they are seeing in front of them. This understanding gives you power. You now know that if you want to change your feelings about things, you can do so by changing your perspective. What is missing from your view point?
In order to allow your emotions and understanding to evolve, taking a step back and seeing the fuller picture is really important. It is also important to be realistic. I like to ask myself a very simple question: What is in my control, and what is outside of my control? Take a look at the things you do not have the power to change, first of all. I have to recognize that I cannot change the past. I cannot control other people’s words or actions. I cannot end the Covid-19 pandemic. I cannot make someone love me. I cannot end systemic racism. I cannot actually control quite a lot of things that impact the world around me. Rather than allowing myself to feel powerless, recognizing the limitations that I have in my life allows me to know how and where I should invest my energy and time in order to create change in my life and in the lives of people around me.
People often say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment. The only thing that we do have control over is ourselves, in what we do actively and in how we react to others. Focus on how you want to be in response to the situations that cause you worry, fear or hurt. Lead with the power of your example and others will be inspired by your vulnerability, your compassion, your calmness and your strength. Focus your energy on the things that fall into the “what is inside my control” category and you will see the results of your efforts more quickly. Of course sometimes we need to think creatively about what sorts of changes will be most beneficial.
It may seem fairly simple to state that the opposite of negativity is positivity, but you’ll find that replacing negative thoughts, behaviors and feelings with positive ones is more difficult than it sounds. That’s because creating long-lasting, meaningful change in our minds is hard work. I am quick to give non-judgemental support and kindness to others while reserving all the criticism for myself. The feeling of not being “good enough” has been at the core of my own journey with overcoming negative voices.
It’s important to recognize that we often hold onto and internalize the criticisms and insults we have heard from other people. We tell ourselves over and over the same negative messages. Catch yourself the next time you find yourself repeating a criticism that you have been told and hold onto. Listen to your self-talk to see when negativity comes up, if there are situations or people who act as triggers for this self-directed negativity. Once you become aware of it, you can find positive affirmations that you tell yourself. These are positive statements that you repeat to yourself to overcome the negative, self-sabotaging beliefs. They can be things like, “I am good,” “I am enough,” “I am worthy of time, respect, love, forgiveness, etc.” If you repeat these often enough to yourself, you can begin to replace and remove the negative voices.
It’s important to begin to take steps forward in your mental health and wellness everyday. You are worth it, and I hope you can take a moment to recognize how incredible you are for managing everything you have on your plate. Go you!
December 2020 – Overcoming Negative Voices
This month Tyler should be turning twenty-nine years old. It’s so hard to imagine who he would be now, someone who was frozen in time at eighteen years old. When I realized that Tyler had passed away, I went through many stages of grief for the brother I had lost, but I also grieved for the future that Tyler would grow to be. One of the biggest questions I kept going back to was, “who would he have been?” I imagined the career he might have, the apartment he might have lived in, the friends he would keep and the husband he might one day meet. I still sit with these same questions, and as I reflect on his short life I remain haunted by similar unanswerable questions. I wonder who Tyler would be today, if he had allowed himself to find out.Read More
It is often said that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem. I have to agree, given that the earth we stand on and the sun that lights our sky will eventually cease to be, and all things that exist in our reality will eventually stop existing, so too will the issues and struggles that harm us. However, it can be incredibly difficult to hold that perspective. Especially as a young person struggling to come out and express their sexuality in a hostile and homophobic environment. This person has never known what it is to be accepted and valued for being openly themselves. They have never known what it is to completely love themselves, and to feel confident about being who they are. They have never even heard that there is another way to view themselves than the condemning messages they are bombarded with daily. In this context it is hard to have any other perspective because there has never been another perspective. This is the wisdom that comes with growing up, gaining autonomy and finding community. This is the wisdom that my brother never held, but I believe he would have gotten there if he had believed in himself enough to keep going.
There is no neat little bow to tie Tyler’s story up in. His loss leaves me with more questions and an empty place in my heart. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this. At this point I can say that I choose to remember him and celebrate the short life he lived. I try to listen to others and offer support where I can. I know that no one ever knows what other people are dealing with, but the one guarantee is that everyone is in pain. If we all make an effort to reach out in kindness and respect we can work towards making the world a warmer place. If our instincts tell us that someone is hurting, let’s make it a point to reach out and offer them some joy. Many of us make it out of traumatic situations while still carrying scars of those moments. It’s important to be kind to yourself and focus on healing yourself. Know that it isn’t an overnight process, but beginning to take steps towards healing is setting yourself in the right direction.
As we close out the end of 2020, I have to acknowledge that this has been a difficult year, filled with challenges like no other. Disease, death, isolation, a crumbling economy and job losses, and uncertainty for the future have rendered this a year like no other I have lived through. Anxiety is high right now. Depression is high. In my work as a therapist and in my lived experience I am seeing and feeling a deep sense of fear, exhaustion, and hopelessness. The holidays tend to be a difficult time for many people, and this year takes all of that and adds on some of the harshest days we have seen during this pandemic. As I live through this present moment I still feel echoes of the past. It feels more important than ever to reach out to loved ones, find safe ways to connect and share our feelings and thoughts with each other. When we see or sense that someone in our orbit is in need, let’s make an extra effort to meet that need. And if we’re not sure how someone is doing, let’s check in and ask them. Let’s take advantage of the technology that we have to reach out and be more connected, not less. And give yourself a moment to recognize how much you have gone through and overcome this year. It wasn’t easy, but you made it through 2020. I hope you’re able to celebrate the end of this year and all you’ve done to survive it.
November 2020 – How to stand up for yourself
One of the hardest aspects of any bullying situation is how to get the bullying to stop. By the very nature of the power imbalance that exists between the bully and the victim this implies a confrontation of some sort. When you consider the power imbalance that is inherent to the bullying dynamic, and the vulnerability that this places on the person being bullied, it seems like there has to be some sort of conflict or confrontation in order to get the behavior to stop. While that can often be an uncomfortable or even dangerous thing, it is important to remember that the person exhibiting the bullying behavior is the one who has chosen to create a confrontation, and how a person responds to being targeted in this way is ultimately up to them, and should be evaluated carefully with each specific instance of this behavior being taken into account. Ultimately being able to calmly and carefully navigate your way through a situation like this is important, and will result in the best outcome for all involved.Read More
Aggressors choose their targets because they see vulnerability. This is perceived as weakness, however, vulnerability is not synonymous with “weakness.” In fact, being vulnerable is an incredible strength, and one of the most important lessons that we can take from a situation of harassment and intimidation is that while being our authentic selves can sometimes attract negative attention, it is never worth compromising who we are in order to blend in or be accepted. This is especially true of LGBTQ+ individuals. We are more likely to be targeted with bullying behavior due to our sexual orientations and gender presentation and identities. This is an incredibly scary thing for anyone to deal with, but it places an unfair burden on sexual minorities who may not be comfortable asking for help. This could lead to outing or otherwise publicizing of one’s sexuality which might not be something they are ready to deal with.
One of the most important things that we as members of communities in our towns and cities, schools and workplaces can do is keep our eyes and ears out for bullying and harassment. We know that in up to eighty percent of all bullying episodes there is a group of witnesses who see the bullying. This is part of the power imbalance, as the aggressor will often act to publicly humiliate or shame their target by using the power of the group against the target. In Tyler’s case this occurred when his college roommate set up a webcam to spy on Tyler and invade his privacy by livestreaming a sexual encounter with another male through his Twitter account. Tyler was humiliated and felt defeated and totally alone by these actions. When he walked through the hallways of his college dorm he heard the other students all stop talking and start whispering and laughing about him as he passed by. As I learned through witness testimony during the trial of his roommate, not one student approached Tyler to check in and see how he was doing. This public shaming was profound and incredibly hurtful. We will never know what the impact of even one classmate reaching out with a kind word might have made for Tyler.
In an effort to address this gap in kindness and compassion, we at the Tyler Clementi Foundation have created a “Turning Bystanders into Upstanders” movement. Instead of being simply a bystander to bullying situations, when you become aware that someone in your workplace or school is being mistreated, speak up and speak out. Every one of us has a responsibility to get involved. If you think that someone else will do it, you are mistaken. It is each of our responsibilities to get involved and say something. I am proud to say that over one million people (and counting) have signed up online to take the Upstander Pledge, which I want to point out, applies to online spaces as well as in-person spaces. Especially in the current COVID-19 pandemic, when many of us are working or going to school online, cyber-harassment has become an even larger issue than it was. Please consider taking the Upstander Pledge today and making a difference the next time you see something that doesn’t feel right.
October 2020 – The New Meaning of Empathy in 2020
As a mental health counselor, a husband, a concerned citizen and a human being I have come to understand the value of living a life filled with empathy. Empathy essentially means being able to look at the world through a lens of someone else’s experience, being able to walk in the shoes of another in your mind and heart, and try to see how you might feel if you lived in this world in that person’s experience. One of the reasons this is so important is because without empathy we run the risk of assuming that our experience is the only experience, and that everyone else is a repetition of ourselves. People who don’t see things through others perspectives see only their own perspective on every other human being. In a way a lack of empathy reveals an ego that has grown beyond its means, consumed with itself and blind to the pain and joy and truth and worthiness of other’s experiences.Read More
2020 has been a year that has challenged our ability for empathy at a crucial and core level. In mid-March our lives and livelihoods were threatened and turned upside down in one unexpected instant. On a personal level I was afraid… of getting sick, worried for my family and friends, worried about financial survival, and worried about what a shutdown in my home city of New York would mean for my life. The constant sounds of ambulance sirens served as a reminder of the massive sickness and death that was spreading throughout the city. The COVID pandemic truly brought about a level of fear, anxiety, depression, loss and grief that I have never seen before, on a global scale and in many different directions at the same time. The rates of infections and deaths disproportionately impacted minority communities due to systemic injustices in healthcare.
On top of all this, when the brutal police murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor made national headlines I felt a deep sense of grief for these precious lives that were unfairly taken, but also anger for the systems that protect killers and allow them to continue to walk free. My husband and I are proud to have marched in support of the Black Lives Matter movement to bring about a change towards racial justice. Although I am not at high risk of experiencing police brutality as a beneficiary of white and male privileges, it feels vitally important to me that I use my voice and privileged identities to shed awareness on the need for racial justice in America.
Empathy is rooted in not living in another person’s perspective, not knowing how they feel, having never lived their experience, but being able to view their perspective by putting your own ego, your own sense of self, aside and learning to see the world through another’s eyes. We can use our own experiences to inform us on something that we have not lived. I think I may have been so emotionally impacted by the highly publicized victims of police brutality this year because of my own experience of losing a brother, and seeing my parents lose a child. Although the circumstances are incredibly different, losing my brother Tyler to suicide informed a lot of my understanding of how horribly painful it is to lose a loved one under circumstances that are unnecessary and preventable.
Fighting for justice does not bring back the loved ones we have lost, as I have learned all too well on my personal journey of healing from grief. However, it is worth every bit of energy that it takes from us because we are helping other people avoid finding themselves in the same situation. We are ensuring that other sisters, brothers, moms and dads won’t have to go through the same losses. Participating in the Black Lives Matter movement as a nonblack ally is an act of empathy, and in taking those steps I hope to encourage other white and nonblack people to get involved. As a gay man I can say that having straight allies has been vital to my wellbeing. When we see members of our society being treated unfairly, those of us who get a better treatment have a responsibility to use our platforms to speak out and advocate for change. We cannot change where we have been but we can help to shape the direction of the future.
It has been confusing, triggering and bewildering for me to see the lack of compassion that many members or our society have for minority groups. Seeing guns pulled on peaceful protestors, and then seeing this hateful action being rewarded by those in power with a platform at the highest levels of our nation has been disturbing and enraging. None of it makes sense to me, but I believe it comes back to a lack of empathy. It starts early, it is rooted in our education, both in families as well as school, and it comes from the images and ideas we get exposed to in the media. Through entertainment we are able to live through the eyes of fictional characters and it shapes our understanding of the world, our place in it, and where others not like us fit in as well.
Being a member of a majority group often insulates us further into a space of self-absorption as the stories, images, voices and platforms we are exposed to continue to reflect back our own experience, representation and worldview. For example, as a white man I can turn on the TV or, in pre-COVID days I could have gone to the movie theater and see countless representations of the perspectives and feelings of people who look like me. This doesn’t just stay on the screen, as the media we take in impacts the way we feel about the world around us, and about ourselves. It also has real-world implications, as we are living in a moment when government is moving to impose a rule of law that assumes we are all the same, and those who do not or cannot conform don’t matter anyway.
If there is anything that we can take away from the harsh lessons in 2020 it is that the fight for justice is ongoing and the need for strong communities that take care of each other is higher than ever. It is important to take the time to think critically about ourselves and why we think and feel the way we do. It is just as important to think about others feelings and try to understand where that comes from. It may seem like an impossible bridge to gap – between the self and the other – but as human beings we are all connected and can come around to seeing the world a different way if we are open to truly, compassionately listening to each other. What you find out about yourself and the world around you when you listen may surprise you, it might make you uncomfortable, but it is essential to your personal growth and the growth of our society.
September 2020 – Reflecting on Heartbreak
This month my family and I will acknowledge the ten-year anniversary of my youngest brother Tyler Clementi taking his life by suicide. While the last decade has been a time of processing all that I have lost and learning to live without my little brother in my life, in many ways I find the wounds of grief are as fresh as the first days and months when I discovered his death. Dates have always been one of the hardest parts of losing Tyler: birthdays, holidays, graduations and anniversaries are a stinging reminder of what was lost and what will never be.
I remember Tyler as a kindhearted, loving and joyful young man, but I know there was a deep reservoir of pain that he hid from me. Suicide is completely preventable and I know that if Tyler would have been able to hold on to something in this life while he went through his troubling times, he would have looked back and been so grateful that he didn’t make that choice. As someone who once stood in his shoes as a young man, I know there was so much joy and love waiting for him to experience in life, and it breaks my heart to realize that Tyler will never get to experience the life he was destined for.Read More
Our society often blames people who die by suicide – I have heard these most fragile and vulnerable people often criticized as weak and selfish by well-meaning people. While I can agree that suicide is not ever an acceptable answer to life’s traumas and pains, I cannot stress enough how important it is to hold empathy and compassion for each other. Suicide is an entirely preventable way to die, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself how someone could get to a place where they feel it is their only option?
Judgement, shame, stigma, condemnation, and cruelty are rampant in the way we talk to each other and treat each other. We are consumed in our own negative thinking and then we inflict this pain out onto the world. Rather than sitting back and judging how people react to the pain that we all contribute to, there is another way. We can choose to replace our negative thinking with positive thinking. We can dare to be nice to ourselves, and watch how this attitude adjustment radiates in others. Just by listening to someone, showing that you are curious and interested in their life and experience, you will reach out and make a positive impact. This type of loving human connection gives all of us deep roots to cling to in hard times. We all inter-are with each other. The person being targeted, harassed, discriminated against does not exist in isolation. We have to look at the big picture: how the abuser contributes, how the silent bystander tacitly condones. No one is Switzerland here, we are all in this life thing together.
In the last ten years since losing Tyler, I have been on a personal journey of healing and growth. During the time I had Tyler in my life, I was living in fear. There were so many conversations I wanted to have, so many feelings I wanted to express. It all seemed so unacceptable, and I let so many opportunities to connect with my brother and instill worth and value into his mind go by. I learned how important it is to live out loud and speak your truth, not only for yourself, but also for the people in your world. In the last ten years I have fallen in love and married my soulmate. I went back to school and earned a Master degree in Mental Health Counseling.
These were big dreams and I first had to open myself up to believing they were possible. Becoming a mental health counselor has been especially important to me because part of my healing journey has been helping others to heal themselves the same way I had to. I know that this life is challenging and we all come at it with different experiences, and there is so much beauty in that diversity. That’s why I am so excited about writing this blog. This will be a space for me to share some of my hard-won knowledge about healing and overcoming. 2020 has been a difficult year like none other. Times are hard but learn more about who we truly are when we’re being tested. It’s easy to stay positive when things feel safe and fair. In these times of disease (global pandemic and emboldened racists alike), it feels like we are collectively being thrown into chaos and uncertainty. During a moment like this we have to look at what we have control over in our lives and what we don’t. Learning where to let go and where to hold on tighter will help us feel in control where we can, and be more comfortable with it when we can’t. I am excited to bring my perspective as a mental health counselor to address different ways that we can all practice continuing to improve our mental health. I look forward to taking this journey with you!